Here's a link to the original column (it also has the other letters Prudie answered last week). Below is an excerpt of the first letter and response:
Dear Prudie,
I am a 30-year-old single woman who has been living in the United States for the past few years. I am considered smart, successful, and attractive and have an interesting and fulfilling life. But my family, who live in India, are worried that I'm still single, and have been trying to arrange my marriage. While I do want to be married, I've had a couple of relationships that didn't work out; I've been very independent and have lived life on my own terms—so I now find it hard to go through the arranged marriage setup. I know my parents will never force me to marry someone I don't like, but the idea of having an arranged marriage seems archaic and almost mortifying. I'd also like to believe that marriages should be based in love and there should be an element of romance involved. My mother thinks that as long as two people have a certain compatibility and mutual respect, love can happen later. What should I do?
—Confused
Dear Confused,
Now that I have a daughter, I've come to see the wisdom of arranged marriages. What's she going to know about picking a mate? Right now, I have a few candidates I'm keeping my eye on—since my daughter is only 11, I have plenty of time to monitor how these boys turn out. You say you would like to find a husband, but haven't been successful at it. I understand your aversion to the idea of an arranged marriage, but as long as everyone understands you will not be pressured to wed the guy, why not see who your parents come up with? Certainly their knowledge of you, the young man, and the qualities two people need to get along has to be as good as the algorithms of Match.com. Yes, there is an archaic quality to the notion of being introduced to someone you are supposed to marry, but that's the ultimate, if unstated, goal of most fix-ups. As for romance versus compatibility—you and your mother are both right. If you meet the man in question and you two fall in love, what a story of romantic destiny! And romance without compatibility and mutual respect—no matter how you two got together—is destined to be a relationship that didn't work out.
—Prudie
PS - I think I must add that the woman who currently authors Dear Prudence (Emily Yoffe) is a professional journalist who also pens Slate's very entertaining and insightful Human Guinea Pig column.
8 comments:
Okay, V, I'm asking. I want to know your opinion on the subject.
I know an Indian man who very nearly let his parents arrange a marriage for him. At the time, he was in his medical residency and he had given himself a "deadline" to meet someone on his own. He ended up doing just that, and has been happily married for about 10-12 years now. No, the woman is not Indian.
We're 99 percent certain my (Italian) grandparents' marriage was arranged. No one ever asked them, and they are long gone, but it's well documented that Grandpa knew Grandma's father before he knew Grandma. Of course, this was about 90 years ago. Funny side note to the story. Grandma died fairly young (in her 50s) and her best friend lost her husband approximately the same time. So Grandpa and her best friend married each other about a year later because they were both old school and believed you didn't go through life unmarried.
I'm not sure how I feel on arranged marriages. We have family friends that had an arranged marriage. They are happy and have been married for quite awhile.
For me, I definitely would not be thrilled about having an arranged marriage!!! There is no way I could or would let somebody pick my future husband. It's one thing to be introduced, but another to be forced to marry someone.
Your thoughts?
I think arranged marriages only work if you grew up in the environment/culture where they were acceptable. Indian culture for instance. And often, the marriages work very well.
My great-grandparents had an arranged marriage. She saw him for the first time when the Banns were read in church (Banns are marriage announcements, they are read every Sunday for 3 or 4 weeks, if no one objects, the marriage is considered accepted and the couple are engaged). She heard the banns and asked someone to point out her intended. They had 9 children and immigrated to Canada. The marriage was a success.
Okay, I use to think arranged marriages were terrible, but like the columnist, having a daughter that's 9 has made me rethink my position. I'd be happy to help arrange her marriage when she is 35.
Serious, I would be interested in your thoughts.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about any marriage, arranged or not.
Personally, I know I'm the type of person (read: stubborn) who would balk at the idea of my parents setting me up with anyone. Perfect match or not, I'd probably turn up my nose just to show them (what can I say? I'm a Taurus...)
But as with most things in life, I take the position of "If it works for the people, who am I to judge?"
C'mon, give us your take on it.
I think the approach the response takes is not unreasonable, in that she notes that most set-ups, ie, blind dates, are basically an attempt to arrange a marriage. Since the writer will not be pressured into wed the man, if he is not to her liking, I don't see a problem. I've had friends who were ready to marry, and this isn't much different, particularly if it is important to the person to marry someone of the same religion or background. And I agree with the response that this may be more likely to be successful than the computer matching of eharmony - and it appears from their tv commercials that they are basically arranging marriages.
And what is your take????
I forgot to add: my great-grandparents came from Poland. So I guess it was the "old world" tradition they were doing.
I am Indian; my parents had an arranged marriage & they did grow to love each other. My parents have a great relationship & turn to each other for their opinions.
I am not having an arranged marriage. I fell in love & am marrying someone who is not Hindu or Indian.
As you your actual question: What do I think of Prudie's advice...
I think she answered it just right. She was respectful of the family's customs, did not dismiss either possibility. As I, too, don't think the young lady should dismiss either possibility.
It's the same as if a friend or colleague set you up; they just want you to meet & see if you like each other. Only your parents have known you their whole lives, & they have the experience.
*Sorry for the long comment.
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