SMCWAPG vol. 2

This is the second installment of my award winning series, "Straight Male Celebs Who Are Probably Gay". Also, please be on the look out for spin-offs to the series: "Gay Male Celebs Who Are Probably Straight" and "Straight Female Celebs Who Are Probably Gay".

The subject of this edition is the good-looking and talented Hugh Jackman. Why is he most likely gay? First of all, the guy's name is Hugh Jackman. Now I am very open minded. So I do think a gay porn star could make the transition to Hollywood leading man. However I would think he wouldn't be able to use his porn star moniker. Clearly, "Hugh Jackman" has proven me wrong.

Second, he's done musical theater throughout his career. Even after becoming a major movie star. I can understand singing and dancing to make some money or to get recognition, but once you've become a bankable star there's no need to go back to musical theater. Unless you actually enjoy it. And let's face it, only gay men and women enjoy musical theater. It is proven scientific fact that if a heterosexual man experiences more than one hour of musical theater, his testicles begin to shrink. After 90 minutes, he will begin to spontaneously sing Barbra Streisand tunes.

Third, he's extremely buff for a lanky guy. Here's photographic evidence:You see I have a theory. Which is really an irrational opinion. Which is really fact, like all my crazy opinions. According to this irrational, factual theory, gay men have a "buff gene" which greatly encourages them to lift weights in comparison to straight men. And it allows gay men to build bigger muscles faster. This explains why Hugh Jackman has bulging biceps and I look like a coat hanger. Nothing else could explain this discrepancy. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Moving on. I hate to be mean but the final clue is that he's almost certainly married to his beard. Yes, she's only 8 years older, and if the genders were reversed we'd call Hugh Jackman old-fashioned for keeping the age difference within a decade. But while I'm sure she was a total babe when they met she seems to have let herself go a bit since then. Meanwhile Hugh certainly hasn't let himself go. Now I understand having children can alter a woman's body. But the Jackmans have adopted both their children. This leads me to conclude that everytime his "wife" has tried to bed him, Hugh runs out of the room screaming, "Kootie Contamination! I must be quarantined!" And other times screaming, "Oh my gawd! Did I just touch a booby? Hold me Rudolpho!"

Folks, the evidence is clear. Hugh Jackman, many a woman's fantasy, is actually just as interested in fashion and make-up and Prince and penises as they are.


Jackman bicep photo taken from All Hands On Deck.

PS - Please let me know if the part about Hugh Jackman being married to his beard was too mean. I was only trying to be funny but maybe calling his wife his beard is a bit over the line. For the record, I am clearly not trying to be mean but to be funny, which is harder than I expected. Anyway, if anyone thinks it isn't in good taste, please let me know. Thank you.