ASSASSINS (1995)

So I just realized that most (if not all) of my film reviews are about decent (if not stellar) films. Back in the day, okay like last week, I used to watch crappy movies all the time on TV. Anyway, the other day I caught a movie that I thought had potential because of the writers involved. But, the movie turned out to be craptastic.

ASSASSINS (1995)

Rating: ** out of 5

You would think with the word “ass” not once, but twice in the title I would have steered clear of this juvenile action-thriller. But no, this clunker plodded along cable one night and I decided to check it out. Also, the screenplay was crafted (and I use that term lightly) by the Wachowski Bros. (THE MATRIX, V FOR VENDETTA) and Brian Helgeland (L.A. CONFIDENTIAL, MYSTIC RIVER), so please don’t judge me for thinking this movie had some potential. Stallone stars as Robert Rath, preeminent hit man with a heart (and some baggage), who only kills bad guys (probably), and who wants to get out of ‘the biz’. On his biggest job he finds the a-dorable surveillance hacker Julianne Moore who shares his solitude and affection for cats. Will he kill her? Will he fall for her? Will she trust him? You get the picture. Oh yeah, Antonio Banderas plays a crazy, competing hit man who tries to kill Stallone and Moore. I have no idea how such a silly screenplay could be penned by these screenwriters but recreational drugs might be one explanation.